BLOG POST 31: My Breastfeeding Journey
It's not always so easy as it looks! Before I had my baby, I thought breastfeeding was super easy. I never really saw the nitty-gritties, the loud ear-aching cries, the sleepless nights, all the craziness! All I saw was moms handling babies like a pro, walking into a feeding room and coming back just as happy in a matter of few minutes.
My breastfeeding journey was hard. Yesterday night, once again, my baby took me back to the crazy memories of my first two months learning to breastfeed my baby. Upon googling I learnt that what happened yesterday is also called as a 'nursing strike' or 'breast refusal.'
I delivered my tiny feet on 2nd April 2023, exactly on the same day as my birthday. I know it's so wow. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have a baby on my birthday! But he's here now in this beautiful little world.
Everything in my world has changed ever since he came into my life. Before my delivery, I thought I would lose my physical appearance and have to sacrifice so much for my baby. But I realised that I have gained much more. I have found an unusually bigger purpose in my life than I ever had. Strangely, I feel built for a bigger cause now, like a contributor to this world. I feel more connected to God than I was before. I realised that only a supernatural force can make sure that my baby stays safe no matter what. After all, how much can a mother do for her child?
The picture of a breastfeeding mother and her baby was so adorable and seamless inside my head. After delivery, I learnt that it is nothing like I pictured because the very second day after my delivery my baby cried and cried, night after night, with glucose levels dipping and him showing extreme hunger pang signs! I just stood there watching like a helpless mother.
When a baby initially comes into this world, he/she has no idea how to latch his mouth perfectly onto his/her mother's nipple. They have no idea how to suckle and extract the milk out. Mommies are just learning how to hold the baby, how to support her baby's head and neck on her elbow and how to position him/her well enough so that they can easily reach the breast. It's a physically straining and mentally exhausting process. When our babies cry, our bodies let out the hormone oxytocin, which causes sudden milk production often causing milk to ooze out of your nipple or sometimes even leak.
During my initial days of breastfeeding, I felt so lost like a little child who is just learning how to play a new instrument. Milk leaked everywhere I walked and I couldn't wear good dresses. The pain from the clogged milk and milk blebs. I couldn't go out as my episiotomy was healing and I needed complete bed rest. Yet I couldn't rest because my baby did not know how to drink milk directly from me and so I had to pump milk out manually using a breast pump. Sometimes, what I pumped would be sufficient just for a single feeding session and he would be hungry again in another hour or so. So I would have to re-wash the breast pump parts and accessories and then sterilize them again only to repeat the process over and over again every one or two hours.
I tried storing breastmilk in the refrigerator so that I wouldn't have to pump round the clock, but that didn't really work well for me because what I pumped and stored would be finished during my baby's next feed session and overall it just wasn't working out well. My friend recommended using a nipple shield as I had enough milk production and maybe that would make at least the cleaning part a little easier on me. The nipple shield later became the starting step towards my direct breastfeeding journey.
It was irritating having to use a nipple shield. As my baby was a little on the fussier side, every time I carried him and brought him close to my nipple shield-wearing breast, he would whack his hand and send the silicone shield flying and he would begin wailing. I'd have to run to the sink to wash it again before use and then keep a hand on the shield, the other hand trying to force my baby's mouth to the shield. It was a very tedious process and it went on for weeks.
Finally, my baby decided to transition to direct breastfeeding. It was a special moment for me, the first time he transitioned. I understood that what every mother says about bonding with the baby when breastfeeding is so true. The way he looks into your eyes, admiring you, while his hunger is being satisfied. It's so fulfilling!
Well again, my son showed breast refusal yesterday, after a very long time. This was disheartening. But I have hope that we will get back on track soon.
I hear mothers say that with children it's always three steps ahead and then four steps backwards. The biggest virtue you imbibe during motherhood is patience. During the heat of some moments, I fail to realise that I'm being taught lessons on patience. And when I do realise them during my silent moments, I'm so grateful.
If you're reading this and you are a new mommy, please hang in there. I swear it just gets better and better. Some days feel so long, but it's going to change. Once you're on the other side of the tunnel, you're going to look back and be so glad that you were patient and gave it time.
