BLOG POST 1: It's okay! You don't have to love me...
It's okay! You don't have to love me...
The last few pages of Neela's diary was soaked in tears that day. Every tear she shed stung so hard, it sent shudders down her spine. She could smile no more. People came to see her now and then. She didn't want to live. She wondered why that horrible incident didn't take her life away. She could only lay still, immersed in her thoughts, while people took turns to express their sympathy and left. That devastating day remained in her memory like a perfectly captured video.
Two weeks back, it was her last exam at university. She had finished her exam one hour early and was anxiously planning about kinds of stuff to do that vacation. Asher, a boy in her class had feelings for Neela. He had once mentioned this to Neela. However, she denied him. She knew her family well, who was not the kind to accept something like this and she knew that he was clearly having only an infatuation. She guessed that his adrenaline rush would fade away over time. Or maybe her guess was wrong. After exam that day, Neela rushed to collect her bag from the bag deposit room to reach home as early as possible. As she descended those stairs to the exit door, Asher came running to her as though excited about something. He asked her, "Let's go film together". She said, "No, mummy must be waiting for me. She knows I'll reach before 5". He wasn't the kind to just let go. He moved closer to her and Neela took two steps back.
"Fine, coffee then? I buy you coffee and you spend time with me and go home last". Neela felt agitated by now. She was puzzled why this boy wouldn't pick up from the hints she threw that she wasn't interested. "No, I really can't come. I have to go home", she said and scurried away without taking a second glance backwards. She was relieved when she was finally out of his sight. He seemed scary to her with a tall-stature, black-stained tooth (probably due to all that paan he had been chewing for years) and squinted eyes lined with kohl which made him look devilish. He dressed shabbily like people who dwelled in villages. His fingernails were long and had dirt in them always. Deep down, she wished if she had to never see him again. She had missed her usual train. She mumbled cursing that boy and stood there waiting for the next one which would arrive only fifteen minutes later. She kept herself busy in thoughts of what she would be playing with her sister tonight, what she would make for dinner tonight, about the dress she would wear for the wedding coming up. Her mother had bought her a royal green floor-length Anarkali, which made her look like a doll. The whole society there would envy her beauty. She was a tall statured beautiful girl. Her mother would sometimes playfully place a black dot on her cheek and tell her it was to remove all evil-eyes from her. Her eyes were captivating. It could hold your attention for a very long time. She had ravishing hair and the most charming smile a girl would ever need.
She was interrupted from her thoughts when she heard the loud thrums of a motorbike. Two guys wearing helmets dashed towards her. She could only catch a glance of the guy behind holding a bottle of fuming acid and the last thing she could remember were her screams that sank into the loud traffic.
Later when she regained her consciousness, she was surrounded by doctors and relatives. They had managed to bandage her face well. From the numbness, she could tell that she had been disfigured. Everyone pitied her and she could stare at them only in blank silence.
What did he want? What did he gain? What if I had done this to him? Why was it me that he chose? - the questions kept echoing in her mind. They were doubts that only the boy could answer. It took one month for the physical healing. By now, her bandage had been removed and she still remembers the first time she looked into the mirror after her bandage had been removed. She had the shock of her life. That once gorgeous alluring princess had transformed into a spine-chilling monster. Her mother never left her side. She kept motivating her to come back to her normal life, to accept that what happened had happened. She coaxed her into coming back to that lively girl she was. As a starter, she wanted Neela to attend that wedding which Neela had been dreaming of attending in that royal green Anarkali.
Neela mustered up all her courage and dressed up that day morning of the wedding. On seeing her emerge out of her room, her mother ran to her, hugged her with tears and said, " I'm proud of you". Saying this she took some kohl from her eye and placed it on her daughter's cheek and smiled. Neela's arrival among the guests brought about a big silence for a minute or two. She thought to herself of how she had imagined herself to be here and how she had ended up. She sat by a chair close to the stairway and watched everyone busy in their chatter and gossip. She knew she had to get used to all this someday or later.
A little girl playing with her doll, right next to her, caught her attention. She seemed engrossed in that doll she was holding. Neela bent towards her and said "Hey sweet little one, what's your doll's name?" The little kid looked up to see who asked her about her doll and was terror-struck. She threw herself backwards and stared with fright at Neela. Tears had started to brim in Neela's eyes. She asked the little one, "Do you love me?"
The little girl started to whine. Neela's mother who saw this took the little girl in her arms and consoled her. The little girl with the doll said, "No, I don't love you."
Neela couldn't hold back her tears anymore. She muttered to herself, " It's okay, you don't have to love me."
Where had life taken her? One minute she had been admiring her beauty, looking just like the doll that little girl held and the next minute there she stood with the horrified stare of a little girl. She had to get used to this "No, I don't love you" for her whole life.
Acid attacks are a subject rarely spoken about. A survivor has to muster up all her courage to come to the front line with their story. Acid attacks usually happen because of the misogynist culture impregnated into the psyche of males, trying to take out frustration over the things they can't conquer and a fragile law and order situation. Victims usually end up living a life which is hell-like and is shunned from the society completely.
