BLOG POST 26: The early morning quarrel

One lovely serene morning, daylight filled the skies, the moon big and round, yet to sink into the earth's uncertainty; I and my husband decided to take a walk. We woke up late than usual during the past few weeks, which was also one reason why he seldom took me for walks along with him. 

Well, today I was adamant! I felt unfit working at my nine to six job with no physical activity. I needed an endorphin rush that I knew I would get from the walk. And so I went. 

The paddy fields were lush green from all the recently sowed grains. White storks scattered around the field probably feeding on the earthworms. The cold air brushed against our hair as we made rapid strides. Sweat trickled down our chests and legs, that made our garments stick to the skin. 

I wasn't able to keep pace with my husband so well as I used to. I cursed myself for missing those morning walks, slightly jealous of my husband who was working out at the gym, playing badminton, and also brisk-walking every morning. As I tried to keep up with his pace, I looked around for the skies so beautiful, the tall evergreen mahogany trees and the medium-sized quickstick trees embellished with lilac flowers, that lined the sidewalks of the road. 

One reason why my husband wouldn't take me along with him past six in the morning was because men who basically had nothing to do in the morning, except go sit at tea shop junctions, and discuss everything that happens in their locality and sometimes even about outer-space, would assemble at Alikka's tea shop the minute daylight filled the sky.

Now, yes! This irked me! Every time we passed these doordarshan uncles, they would stare until we left their peripheral vision's vicinity even with their heads turned to the direction we walked in. I guess all women in the area therefore preferred to finish their walks before these uncles came and lodged themselves at the junction. 

My feminist mentality wouldn't allow me pay the slightest care in the world. I let it brush off my back although it did bother me a lot. 

My sweet husband had to choose today to pick a fight with me on this topic. So it went like,

"This is why I tell you to wake up at five am. See, there are no women outside at this time."

"If there are no women, does that mean, I cannot be outside after six?"

"See, you can see for yourself how these men come and sit here. We could avoid such a situation if you woke up earlier."

"Oh! So just because you are a man, you can be out anytime, and I as a woman should just stay back and do household chores while you build your body!"

"Use your brains to think! Don't justify your laziness with other reasons. I have nothing more to say."

And that was followed by a couple of mumbled swear words and reaching home.

It's a usual habit of mine to get some mind food every morning through books. I was reading 'Master Your Emotions' written by Thibaut Meurisse recently. I could partly say one of the reasons why I didn't end up with tears after today's fight was this book. Or maybe the situation wasn't too overwhelming enough to pique on my negative emotions. 

Thibaut tells one of the best techniques to handle a negative situation is by diverting your thoughts. What may sound hurtful to one person may not have any effect on another. This is because thoughts produce emotions which in turn produces feelings and how you identify yourself.

Today, I happened to be reading a chapter on "Why one gets defensive?" This helped me reflect on the quarrel between my husband and me. According to Thibaut, the need to defend yourself stems from your desire to protect your story. Every time your ego is threatened, you feel the need to defend it.

There are three main reasons why we are triggered.

1. There is part of truth in what you were told
2. You believe there is part of truth in what you were told
3. A core belief you hold has been attacked

There is part of truth in what you were told

For example, today I was accused of being lazy to wake up earlier in the morning. My inability to accept that truth could be the reason why I became defensive.

You believe, there is part of truth in what you were told

Maybe I already have a belief inside me that I am a lazy person. I may have been working hard on it by trying to wake up early. However, when someone accused me of being lazy, I felt offended.

One of your core beliefs has been attacked

My core belief is that women have all rights just like men to be outside as and when they want. This belief was attacked when my husband said there were no other women outside at this time and so I shouldn't be too.

Now as I ask myself the following questions, my need to be defensive should gradually subside.

1. What am I trying to protect here? My rights as a woman or the fact that I am being called lazy?
2. Can I let go of that belief? I should definitely be able to let go of the belief that I am lazy because I know I am working towards waking up earlier. 
3. What would I be without that belief? Without the belief that I am lazy, I may probably not become so defensive at the slightest nudge from my husband; and who knows, I may even wake up much earlier than I do now.

 It was fun undergoing this self-realization. It's amazing how the Universe just brings words and thoughts from bigger minds along your way, so that you can cope with the situations you are going through. As I write sitting at this table that I got two months ago from Amazon, I am so grateful I had the time and heart to jot this down. I am thankful the right words came along at the right time to make me feel better and that my entire body and mind cooperated and worked together to bring this piece of work out of me. I hope you had a good time reading this as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Love ya,

Sunitha